Introducing Some Kinky Exploration in the Bedroom (Regardless of How Long You’ve Been Together)

Regardless of where you are on the kink scale – beginner or veteran – introducing new things into sexual play with a long-term partner (married or not) can be a little scary. You never know how it will be received, regardless of what you’re currently doing in the bedroom. In a long-term relationship, in the back of our minds, we often fear some sort of judgment or rejection by the one we love when we wander into fantasy territory… which in turn can cause us to wrap it up and hide it in some back closet somewhere, away from the other to know about.

How about you? Are there some things that you THINK might turn you on, that you fantasize about? It doesn’t necessarily need to stay that way (a fantasy); what if you could play it out with your partner?

Often, when bringing up this possibility, there’s an immediate pause – a hesitation – and sometimes no response at all.

So, let’s peek a little into this…

Introducing the Possibility
First of all… BABY STEPS!!! As with anything new and “out of the comfort zone,” try to introduce new things one step at a time:

1. Introduce it neutrally
   Taking your partner into consideration, introduce the idea in a way that they might best accept. The reason I say this is because what you say and what you are thinking can be easily misinterpreted. For example, If there’s a headline that reads “Home Robbed,” the first thing that most people think of is the worst-case scenario: A team of burglars break into a home and tie up and/or hurt the owners, then they clean out and get away with everything of value. In reality, it could easily be a situation where homeowners went away, left a door unlocked, and someone broke in and took a few minor items.

   Interpreting the word “kink” is much the same; immediately, many jump to some extremes of what they think that words means. If that’s what you fear, how about introducing some fantasy play as “adding in some new fun in the bedroom,” “spicing things up a little,” or “sexy exploration”? It can easily allow the idea to be more easily accepted (depending on the partner).

2. Communication, communication, communication
   As always, talking is the first thing to do… and often the last thing that takes place! Sexuality, though core to our self-knowledge, is still often the least talked about part of ourselves… even in a long-term committed relationship! Tell your partner what’s on your mind.

   Remember to keep it self-responsible and light (but honest). Talk about how it’s something you’d like to talk about within the inner circle of your intimacy, and something you would like to share with them now. Make sure you don’t start with, “I’m bored with our sex life!” or “Things aren’t that good, and I want to make them better…” That could immediately put your partner on the defensive and shut down the conversation altogether, or worse yet, have your partner to agree to something because they feel inadequate (and might lose you). Instead, you can start with, “Hey, I was thinking maybe we could add a little bit of spice and some new play…” or, “You know what? I’ve wanted to share this with you… what do you think if we did a little bit of sexy exploration?”

   Tongue-tied? Try reading some related erotica to them, or discussing some erotica that you find hot that plays out the fantasy in your mind. Maybe YOU can write a small sexy scenario and read it to your partner… then ask your partner how that feels to them… and let them know you find it sexy, and why. Sometimes that’s all that’s needed to open up the conversation. You can ask them if they’d be open to try something like that… if they find it sexy, and/or if they find something similar sexy.

   Another option is, maybe you do a “mine and yours” night where you explain a fantasy and then your partner volunteers theirs, too… you might be surprised at what comes up!

   On the flip side, if your partner is bringing it up, don’t take it personally. They are expressing their desire and wants. Often the first reaction/thought can be, “If they’re (your partner is) bringing this up, it’s because they don’t desire me…” or “S/he doesn’t think I’m ‘good enough.’ Stop and listen and be open to the discussion. You may be surprised what can happen if you pause your initial reaction and hear what is said vs. taking it personally and shutting down or getting defensive.

3. Add the exploration to your list of things you do in little bits
   Sometimes, introducing a fantasy, fetish, or kink (all essentially the same thing) you’d like to play out can be overwhelming to a partner if you haven’t done anything of the sort before. So, try easing into it! See if your partner is open to doing some research with you on the topic and on what you’d like to explore. Discuss – again, as communication is SO key – how they would be comfortable trying it out, and see where the two of you can meet via a common place of interest. Then, maybe plan a night or a weekend away where you dabble, and simply try it out, to see if/how you both enjoy it. Then discuss again!!!

   For example, if you would like to tie your partner up (or be tied up), you might start with some play handcuffs, and see how that’s received, and how you both like it. Then, you can ask to try other implements, like silk ties, rope, etc., and/or research together what other options there are, then try some other creative ways to do it. (NOTE: ALWAYS follow safety guidelines in any kind of play where one or both partner could potentially be unintentionally hurt. This way, you keep it fun for both of you!)
   
   Once that “wall” is broken, often that opens up a lot more discussion about possibility and different exploration. So, it might take some time, but there’s often a better chance of acceptance when we try it out in bite-sized pieces.

Taking these baby steps sometimes also gives us the opportunity to enjoy things we would have never otherwise considered before… even when you might already be into kinky play. There’s a monogamous, married kink online community to which we belong, and they do challenges and introduce a broad spectrum of bedroom fun within marriage. There was a fun challenge the community posted, and it slipped into a kink that we both previously had as a hard limit, with no interest. In the spirit of the game, we tried it out, within our specs, and where we both felt comfortable… and we ended up really enjoying it, and taking elements away from it that we’ve subsequently incorporated into our play that we might have never considered before! Originally, we both considered that kink on the far end of an extreme spectrum, and had never considered mild elements of it that DID appeal to us. But, because we tried something new in bite-sized pieces, we ended up adding some fun stuff to our bedroom repertoire that we might have missed out on had we never thought to adapt it to where we are!

Most Importantly, Be Patient!
Remember that you, the one introducing the kink into the relationship, have already had the mental process and self-check to be OK with that thing you want to do. When you “spring” it on your partner, remember that it may be something completely new to them to consider. Sure, they might be already thinking of it, have some spice to add to it themselves… and things move well from there. However, no matter where you are in the spectrum, your partner still needs time to process this and think about it. Don’t expect a “hell yes!” right off the bat. S/He may not be able to get there, because they might have some block around playful, erotic, explorational sexuality. This could be anything, from belief system(s), cultural/family conditioning, etc. Be sure to talk about that! Consciousness always talks about how she (and we both) believes that ALL sexuality is sacred… and within a long-term, committed partnership/marriage, it provides us with a “safe space” and “circle of trust” where we can safely and freely explore our sexuality, including our fantasies and some interesting, different things that might arouse us and somehow fulfill us in a balance that we don’t otherwise find in everyday life. What a great opportunity!

However, it might take some time and a lot of discussion with your partner for them to get there. As I said… take it slowly, and in those baby steps! It’s absolutely awesome is s/he is all in from the start… but chances are they will be varying degrees of in between as they adjust their mindset and meet you in this newfound, potentially blissful space. It’s worth the time and effort!

~Kink