sexual experimentationDo you experiment in your sex life, try new things regularly? Some days I feel like a squirrel when it comes to our fun; I want to try everything, all the time! Consciousness and I are constantly exploring, coming across things that are new to us, and always get to, “Oh that looks fun!” or “That could be really interesting…”

It wasn’t always that way; as many couples together a long time (especially going through bringing up children), over the years, we’d gone from a hot, steamy sex life together… to great when we had it… to it’s ok, sometimes. Both of us were sort of feeling a bit stale, but we never brought it up to each other. Why? Because, as many do, neither of us wanted to hurt the feelings of the other to imply that they weren’t doing something “right.”

Bored coupleHow often do you hear of couples who have been together for a longgggg time, who have put their sexuality in the trunk in the basement with a big ol’ padlock, and can’t even recount when the last time it was they had sexual relations with each other? Also, how often do you hear, “We’ve drifted apart…” and, “We just don’t seem to have anything in common anymore…” from someone who’s been in a long-term relationship or marriage? The funny thing is, regardless of what one might think, both partners are most likely thinking the same thing. In our case, that was exactly what happened… because we let it. Collectively, we talk about the importance of communication, yet so many couples TALK without COMMUNICATING. Over time, we create this mine (mind) field of “things I can’t talk about without creating an explosion.” We forget how being together in a long-term commitment actually can provide the opportunity to set the space to be able to communicate about anything; often it’s getting stuck in our own heads, expectations, and (often self-)judgments that prevent us from really saying what’s on our mind for some fear or another.

Culturally, there is a LOT out there that talks – jokes, even – about “things getting stale,” and that’s what so many believe to be “normal.” We have so many societal, religious, and externally dictated expectations around sexuality that barely takes us out of the stone ages. So, we allow ourselves to get into the rote of things; we become comfortable, and then we believe, “That’s good enough,” or, “That was great… in my younger years…” Many times, we don’t try new things – or don’t express our desire to try new things – because we fear judgment of our partner, because it might seem out of character, not “normal,” or even “weird,” and a part of us doesn’t want to rock the boat. We’ve been conditioned to think we’re supposed to stay the same from the day we married on. However, I don’t believe that; the actuality is that we constantly change and shift through life. So, if we don’t communicate around that, around our needs, wants, and desires… the more of a ticking time bomb we often create (there’s a reason that 45% of marriages currently end in divorce!). I actually believe that the more we suppress that sexual part of ourselves, the more fantasies and frustration often start to run rampant. I also believe that’s the reason a fan fiction book, Fifty Shades of Grey, become such a surprise hit with many middle adulthood women. Not necessarily that they all wanted to get into that kind of BDSM, but that it awakened the sleeping sexuality many had put away due to what they “believed they were supposed to do” in marriage, careers, children, etc.

Consciousness and I renewed our commitment to authentic communication; we’ve also agreed to explore our sexuality in the endless playground of bedroom D/s together… which came about after we came to a very tenuous explosion in our relationship and realized we had somehow lost our connection and somehow missed that we both essentially wanted to explore the same thing. However, we hadn’t even been speaking the same language, so we’d never understood it of the other.

This exploration has really brought a whole new level of satisfaction and saturated sexiness and excitement together! We now recognize the role our sexuality together helps us in the balanced fulfillment of ourselves. We’ve taught ourselves to communicate differently with each other – aka really communicating LOL! With that, we’ve created a “safe space” of acceptance and are completely open to allowing those fantasies to come to light and trying new things.

sexual experimentationHere’s the question we talk about often: Why don’t all long-term committed couples – married or not – have the requirement to take a class on non-judgmental sexuality, BDSM, and all kinds of experimentation?

Getting Started Down This Path

Would you like to try, but don’t know where to start? Here are some steps to consider:

Step One: Create a safe space, a safe time, when everything is on the table, with the commitment to both of you to be able to say whatever is in their heart, without judgment or retribution. Just honesty. We do something called “Downtime,” in several different versions, that provides that space together… and we do it multiple times a week.

Step Two: Communicate, for realz! It takes a bit of what Consciousness calls re-habituation… because we’re used to saying what we think we’re supposed to say, instead of how we really feel, or what we would really like to say. HOWEVER… the key is to talk about feelings in a self-responsible way. For example, you can say, “I feel like this when this happens…” (not, “You make me feel this way…”). Also, one rule is pertinent: If one asks the other, “What’s on mind?” or, “What’s bothering you?” You can’t say, “Nothing.” Some actual sharing is needed… even if the response is, “I’m not ready to talk about it; can we talk about it later?” That later has to happen!

Step Three: Take it slow… especially while you’re building these new habits! In the realm of sexuality, talk about something(s) you’d like to try… anything! Make a list together of things you’d both like to try; do some research. NO JUDGMENTS, either! What you’re ok with may not be ok with your partner, and vice versa. In BDSM, there are literally “hard limit” and “soft limit” lists, which lists out a lot of different activities to try… Google one, and use one as some sort of place to start. I’m not saying you need to get into BDSM, but it might stir the imagination to do some research, and then see where the lists overlap. As we have definitely discovered… you don’t know what you don’t know! Also, know you don’t have to commit to the whole full Monty or take on doing that (whatever that is) to its fullest extreme. Start small and light; sometimes trying to take it all on is what makes that new thing less appealing… and sometimes overwhelming or scary! But commit to being open to try new things, within reason and without judgment.

There was some sexual play that was on both of our “not interested” lists. However, we were challenged in an online community we belong in to do an activity together around this particular sexual play. We decided we would do it; we only did some elements of it, and on a minor scale. We were both surprised that it was quite the turn-on with each other, AND it was some hot fun that is now on our list of things we’ll do. Will we go the full extreme? Not likely; however, there are some elements we have absolutely incorporated into somewhat regular play. Doing the same thing all the time, while fun, allows one to miss out on so much more… including knowing thyself and knowing each other, fully and unapologetically.

happy coupleSo, I challenge you to do something different, something that is out of the ordinary. Discuss, or – if it’s still too early to go there as you’re “re-habituating” – write down some sexual fantasies of things you’d like to try but haven’t discussed. Often, when we discuss or write something down, we can immediately see some elements that are easily doable, some avenues to explore. Then, as you create that “safe space” for communication with your partner, have them do the same, and share together in the vein of, what could be really fun to try? What could work for both of us? What could we try on one’s list – even if it’s not on the other’s – and then vice versa?

See how this can make a difference. You never know; it might help to reignite your passion, and things you’ve previously thought were just fantasy might become something you get to play with and enjoy!






~ Kink


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